Wednesday, April 24, 2013

The Questions with No Answers and Being Real

Ok, so it is the middle of the day and not when I usually blog.  I need to blog though bc what I'm thinking isn't something that can "come out" while I'm in there with my kids.  What I'm about to blog about isn't "fun" or what anyone wants to read about.  It isn't happy or what anyone wants to go share.  It isn't the "happy cheerleader" stuff that makes people want to come visit my blog or donate to our adoption to get my kids home and it isn't the kind of stuff that I usually blog about.  Its just what is clogging up my brain.  It probably won't come out in a logical way.  It probably won't be eloquent like so many blog and maybe not even coherent. 

This adoption is SO hard.  This adoption is SO different.  We love all three of these kids SO much.  We worry about all three of them SO much.  They all lived in an orphanage that they received very subpar care even for the worst of orphanage for years, but now things are improving and we are so thankful for that.  There is someone new in charge who is working hard to right the wrongs and for that we are so thankful.  That person can't fix it all at once, but she is trying hard and that is all anyone can do. 

Matthew is 9 and 18lbs though.  That is tiny!!  Matthew is contracted up horribly from laying there for years and starving for years and laying and laying and laying.
His physical condition kills me.  I could lay and cry in a fetal position over how fragile my baby boy is.  I fear each morning and email that says he didn't make it till we got there.  I cry as I type that.  I fear it so much.  I fear he will die alone. 
What is killing me today and a lot of days and has made me literally sick this week is what he must think. 
He was beat into a coma by his birthfather. . . Does he remember???  Was he abused all the time those first 4 1/2 years??  Was it rare or often??  Was it a drunken rage???  Does he remember being a little boy who could run around and play before that beating and now he has legs that won't straighten????  How scared is he right now?  Does he cringe as each adult approaches?  Does the crib feel a prison that keeps him from the freedom he had those first 4 1/2 years or does it actually feel safe after 4 1/2 years of abuse? 
These are the things that drive me nearly crazy today. . . I have no power to comfort him across that ocean.  I can't tell him that love and safety are just a short time away. 
How bad do the contractures hurt?  How much pain is he in? 
Sometimes I hope that the brain injury is enough that he doesn't remember the beating.  Does he remember the family?  Does he feel the abandonment? 
Oh God please just don't let him feel all the emotional pain and fear. 
Please God give us that signature soon!  Please God hold my baby boy until I can! 
Please God take these tears from me today and help me to put on the front of "Happy Mom" that my kids need here. 
So sorry to all of you who don't see "this side" often, but I have to put it somewhere today and this is where it has to go. . . Please pray for Matthew, the process, the signature, my tears to dry up. . . 


  1. I am coming here from RR FB page. I think any one who considers International special needs adopt has "this side." the side that hurts for these children, that cries for these children. The side that rocks with rage at the injustice that their home countries turn a blind eye to. I will be praying that things speed up for you.

  2. Awww, ever since I first saw him on RR I have been praying for him. He has broken my heart more than any other sweet child on there! I will pray that God will work in his heart to prepare him to love and trust you, no matter what memories he may have. I pray that things will move unbelievably fast so that you can get to him and start loving on him as soon as possible. I pray that God will do miraculous healing work on his body and relieve him of pain.

    Lots of love,

    MamaV (Garnet's future mama)

  3. Oh dear Amanda, you have every right to be open and honest and raw. What you are going through right now IS hard, no doubt about it. Watching your babies struggle is never easy, and knowing your child has endured something like this and continues to be in a horrible situation and there's nothing you can do about it, at least not right now... well that's just about the most painful thing I can think of. I 'get' the need to put on a happy face for your kids, but please don't feel like you need to put one on for us. Support is what friends are for - in the good times AND the bad ones. Do you know how many times I've called on friends, sobbing over what my poor DBKs have experienced? Including today, actually? Don't feel bad, or weak, or anything like that for needing to voice those feelings. It would be abnormal if you DIDN'T need to get them out.

    I pray for your little guy every day. Time must be going agonizingly slow for you. If I could speed it up, I would. I only pray that God subsists both him and you until the day comes when you're finally together forever, and Matthew can get all the love and treatment and care he needs and deserves. Bless you and thank you for being open and honest about the hard parts of adoption. People need to hear that too - almost as much as you need to say it.

    Love you friend,
    Katie Beth

    PS: The other day, when you PMed me on facebook to see how I was doing, and told me how sweet you thought I was (even if you, like most people, were pretty sure I was a loon at first)? Just wanted to make sure you knew that made my day that day. It was food for my soul at the very time I was desperate for it. Thank you for that <3

  4. Oh you friend. xoxoxo Sending you a hug.

  5. Praying for your heart and your little ones while they wait.

  6. This is a real part of adoption, so thank you for sharing those vulnerable emotions. I'm praying for Matthew. I've been watching that sweet boy since before you began the adoption. I grieve for him, too. He has one of the saddest stories I've heard in a long time. I'm praying he will come home as quickly as possible. I also pray for strength for you and your family as you lead him on the path of recovery. I know it will be hard, but God is working through all of this. I'm praying that God brings you joy.

  7. Amanda,
    I know I don't know you well but my heart aches for you and little Matthew...and the other two darlings. One thing is sure...God is with him. Angels are there to bouy him!

  8. Hi I'm Heather! Please email me when you get a chance, I have a question about your blog! LifesABanquet1(at)

  9. oh my goodness i burst into tears reading this post, what sadness no child should ever bear! i know this story will have a happy ending, with him and his two other siblings waiting to come home, all in good faith! all in Gods timing! I will add you guys to my prayers!