This adoption is SO hard. This adoption is SO different. We love all three of these kids SO much. We worry about all three of them SO much. They all lived in an orphanage that they received very subpar care even for the worst of orphanage for years, but now things are improving and we are so thankful for that. There is someone new in charge who is working hard to right the wrongs and for that we are so thankful. That person can't fix it all at once, but she is trying hard and that is all anyone can do.
Matthew is 9 and 18lbs though. That is tiny!! Matthew is contracted up horribly from laying there for years and starving for years and laying and laying and laying.
His physical condition kills me. I could lay and cry in a fetal position over how fragile my baby boy is. I fear each morning and email that says he didn't make it till we got there. I cry as I type that. I fear it so much. I fear he will die alone.
What is killing me today and a lot of days and has made me literally sick this week is what he must think.
He was beat into a coma by his birthfather. . . Does he remember??? Was he abused all the time those first 4 1/2 years?? Was it rare or often?? Was it a drunken rage??? Does he remember being a little boy who could run around and play before that beating and now he has legs that won't straighten???? How scared is he right now? Does he cringe as each adult approaches? Does the crib feel a prison that keeps him from the freedom he had those first 4 1/2 years or does it actually feel safe after 4 1/2 years of abuse?
These are the things that drive me nearly crazy today. . . I have no power to comfort him across that ocean. I can't tell him that love and safety are just a short time away.
How bad do the contractures hurt? How much pain is he in?
Sometimes I hope that the brain injury is enough that he doesn't remember the beating. Does he remember the family? Does he feel the abandonment?
Oh God please just don't let him feel all the emotional pain and fear.
Please God give us that signature soon! Please God hold my baby boy until I can!
Please God take these tears from me today and help me to put on the front of "Happy Mom" that my kids need here.
So sorry to all of you who don't see "this side" often, but I have to put it somewhere today and this is where it has to go. . . Please pray for Matthew, the process, the signature, my tears to dry up. . .